Why, When, and How to Talk to D&D Players?

The most powerful tool for running D&D: conversation

For almost any problem in our D&D games, conversation is the most powerful and flexible tool to resolve the issue. Whenever, as a DM, a problem seems intractable, we can remember to talk to our players before anything else. Often, while talking to our players, any issue will become more manageable, and solutions will appear in the conversation.

Why we talk to players

This might seem obvious. D&D is a game of conversation. But still, as DMs, we can tend to ruminate about problems and solutions quietly by ourselves. Reaching out to players and talking to them out of character has several advantages.

First, a conversation can reinforce the common goal of everyone around the table. We all show up to have a good time. That is universally true. No matter the different playing styles, preferences, and experiences with D&D, everyone—player and DM—comes to the table to enjoy the game. While talking to players, we can reinforce that fact. This is especially useful when there is conflict between players. Remind everyone, individually, that we’re all trying to have a good time. Differences in opinion or style are simply superficial obstacles to this unifying truth.

Second, an eye-to-eye conversation can remind players that we, the DM, are also here to play the game. In most cases, we’re not antagonists, or sadists, or service providers. Talking to our players about situations in the game can show everyone that there’s no meaningful difference between DM and player when it comes to the enjoyment of the game. We’re all players. Talk about this fact.

When we talk to players

There are two broad situations in which talking to our players becomes necessary. Regular check-ins (this includes a session zero) and when there’s an acute issue to discuss.

Regular D&D check-ins

The first crucial moment of conversation is the session zero. Before we begin a new campaign, we can build characters together, establish a theme for the campaign, as well as discuss safety tools and house rules. A session zero to open an ongoing conversation between DM and players avoids many conflicts early on, and sets a precedent for talking to each other. In a session zero, we set up the type of conversation which we’ll use to troubleshoot throughout the campaign.

Besides a session zero, regular check-ins with the whole group let’s players share their feedback mid-campaign, and shows everyone that we, the DM, put the experience of the players front and center for our game mastering. Justice Arman has a customizable Google form which we can send out to players every couple of weeks or months to get feedback on the campaign. We can use the feedback to shape the campaign to the players’ liking while we’re running it.

Acute issues

The smallest problems can cause a lot of friction for the game. Often it’s best to address an issue quickly, perhaps during the session. For this situation, we can use the phrase, “Pause for a second!” as a signal to get out of character and discuss as a group of players. I learned about this safety tool from Mike Shea over at slyflourish.com. For example, if we notice two players getting on each other’s nerves because of a misunderstanding, we can say, “Ok, let’s pause for a second,” and clear up any confusion out of character. We can also use this tool for a quick check-in. After a decision has been reached by the party we can pause for a second and make sure everyone understands where we’re going.

“Pause for a second” is a flexible safety tool to address both, larger conflicts and small issues or check-ins.

Sometimes, however, the pause within the session is not enough to fully deal with the acute issue. For example, two players might be getting into an ongoing argument, or different play styles constantly clash at the table. In this case, we need to continue the conversation with players between sessions. There are a few tips and tools to manage these conversations which can sometimes feel uncomfortable.

How to talk to D&D players

Sandwich feedback

We don’t enjoy being criticised. But sometimes we need to hear uncomfortable truths to resolve conflicts. In D&D, and elsewhere, for example in education, we can cushion our criticism or uncomfortable truths with positive feedback. We call this technique sandwich feedback. Begin with something positive, then comes the uncomfortable stuff, and then we end with something positive again. Two slices of positive feedback with the meaty uncomfortable stuff in the middle. We could begin a tough conversation by congratulating them on a recent roleplaying moment, then discuss the conflict with another player, and end by complimenting the player’s recent use of combat tactics.

I-statements

Second, we can formulate feedback and criticism as I-statements. Instead of accusing a player by addressing them with statements like, “You make this other player uncomfortable,” we explain our own feelings in I-statements: “I notice the tension between you and Carl, is there anything I can do to help clear up the situation?” By focusing statements on our own outlook, feelings, and perspective, we make the conversation less confrontational.

Listen

This might seem obvious, but listen to what your players have to say. Sometimes we have a clear agenda with which we approach a DM-player conversation. We want to tell the player to stop a certain behavior, or we want to resolve a conflict. Be ready to also listen to what the player has to say with an open mind. Maybe they’re unhappy with a certain aspect of the game. Maybe there’s something we can change to accommodate the player better.

Listen to what your players have to say with an open mind.

The most powerful DMing tool: conversation

Talking to our players is the most powerful tool in our DMing arsenal. Almost any problem can be solved by talking to players. And many issues can even be prevented with honest conversation during a session zero and in mid-campaign check-ins. When we talk to players, sandwich feedback, I-statements, and simply listening can help reinforce the fact that we’re all human beings, sitting around a table, and trying to have a good time. Talk to your players.