The Awesome Experience of Playing D&D with Friends

We might be running a game for a group of random strangers with whom we meet exclusively for D&D. We might be playing with colleagues. Or we might be playing with a group of friends – maybe even close ones. Any constellation of people willing to leave the real world behind can create an awesome gaming experience. But if we’re running a game for friends, there are a few things we can do to streamline the experience. Running for strangers, colleagues, family, or friends? The following ideas can help us to think about the social dynamics at the table.

When Friends Become Players

Hanging out with the same group of people quickly causes certain social dynamics to develop. Depending on the size of the group, the relationships, and how long everyone has known each other, that dynamic will change. There will be certain behaviors, routines, and interactions that have naturally formed within the group. However, when we decide to transition from friends to friends that play Dungeons & Dragons together, a lot might change. Suddenly, we are no longer four or five people that simply spend time together. Instead, we enter a more-or-less structured relationship. One person becomes the dungeon master and everyone else a player in their game.

As dungeon masters we often use these possessive pronouns when describing the game we are running. “My game”, “my players”, “my table”. These constructions can be treacherous if they are used to create an atmosphere of an adverse DM-versus-player mentality. But there is some truth to them. We dungeon masters are the ones who are preparing a world of fantastic adventure for our players. Ideally, we tailor our game to the specifics of our table. We provide opportunities for player actions to shape the world. But to a large extent we control the pace of the game and the fiction of the world.

The power dynamic between us, as a DM, and our players is necessarily unbalanced. Players control awesome characters with great power. We DMs have the resources of entire kingdoms, ancient intelligent beings, and a whole pantheon of gods at our disposal. The players roll the dice to test the luck of their characters. But we dungeon masters decide how difficult it is to successfully complete an action, and whether it is even possible. The levers of power are fundamentally unbalanced at the gaming table. They might have been unbalanced when hanging out with our friends before we started playing D&D. But once we sit down to play, the imbalance becomes codified in the rules and structures of the game.

Saying No

The question of whether dungeon masters should say no to their players comes up frequently. Each one of us will have a different answer to this question. We all have different ways in which the word “No” informs the way we run our games. Regardless, sometimes we will have to say no to a player request. A player might attempt something impossible, or approach us with obscure homebrew content. They might ask to scheme against other party members. We want to guarantee that our game hits a certain tone, runs smoothly, and is fun for everyone. That means, sometimes there is no way around saying no to our players.

Saying no can be particularly difficult if we are not used to it. Or if we are not used to saying it to these particular people. If we’re playing with friends, we want to enable them in their outlandish attempts and their particular play style. Our instinct as friends is to be supportive in any way we can, and saying no might contradict those instincts. When we become the DM, we have a responsibility to everyone at the table, including ourselves. We strive to create a fun and engaging experience. Sometimes that requires us to say no to our players, even, or especially so, if they are our friends.

Safety Tools

When we are running a game for our friends we might think that we don’t really need safety tools. We’ve known our players for a long time, everyone in the group feels comfortable around each other, and we might not use safety tools in our everyday interactions. But Dungeons & Dragons, or any roleplaying game for that matter, takes us beyond our everyday lives. We play the game because it allows us to experience thrilling, dangerous, and challenging circumstances. That is why even while playing with close friends, a conversation about safety tools can help the game run smoothly.

Simply initiating a conversation about safety tools, can create a sense of shared social expectations for everyone at the table. The outcome of this conversation might simply be, “We probably won’t need any of these safety tools in our game sessions.” In a session zero we might lay out sensitive topics at the beginning of a new campaign. But at any point in our games, a conversation about safety and consent will elevate the issue to everyone’s attention. It will reinforce the sense of community, and shared story telling that makes our D&D games such an extraordinary activity.

When Players Become Friends

Running a game of Dungeons and Dragons for our friends can be an awesome experience. It might prove to be an unusual experience as well. One that takes us out of our everyday social routines, roles and behaviors. But sometimes, while playing D&D with any group of people, the strange social structures of the game system can blur the boundaries between close friendship and a great game session. Strangers at the table discover friendship in the heat of battle. Players and dungeon master lose themselves in the characters of the fiction unfolding at the table.

Whoever the people in our gaming group are, we can improve our games by paying attention to how the game changes the group dynamics. While playing with friends, we can make sure to not let the social routines of friendship detract from our ability as dungeons masters to run a great game. We can say no when the situation demands it even if we always want to be supportive of our friends. And we can start a conversation about safety tools even if we feel they are unnecessary for our group.